My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
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I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I put the p in pants.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.