Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
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I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
They’re not wrong
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I’m sorry…what?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Jesus Christ lmao
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage