[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Lucky old June.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.