who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
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Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“HELP WITH CAT”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.