EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
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Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness