INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
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Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*