The dark side of Canada
You Might Also Like
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Bless you
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.