This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
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14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia