cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.