In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
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The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
The Sun’s probably Asian.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Oh no
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
🤣😂🤣
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Cha-ching is my safe word
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*