god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Perfection.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder