I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Word!
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?