Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
You Might Also Like
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
*cough*
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
whatcha thinkin bout
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it