Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.