Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
You Might Also Like
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
🤣
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do