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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I just ran a .003048K
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.