A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
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If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..