America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
This is a whole mood;
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.