My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
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Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
6: are snakes just neck?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house