Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.