Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
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[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
A short story about romance.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”