mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
You Might Also Like
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I laughed at this way too hard.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes