Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
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[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
That time Alicia messaged me
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Oh yeh? Explain this then
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.