me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
You Might Also Like
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.