drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
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Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.