I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.