Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
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Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters