Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.