[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Here
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire