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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
🔦🌙👣
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”