I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
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I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
the council will decide your fate
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.