My brain is a bad influence on me
You Might Also Like
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
This made me smile…
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool