People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?