You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work