My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.