Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Can. I. Help. You.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.