Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
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[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
my professor scared me for a second
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If looks could kill
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?