Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
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You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.