I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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repaired
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
ok this is my dumbest yet
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
This hospital has everything
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw