The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
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This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.