I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls