I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Welcome
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.