[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
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You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer