Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
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I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
this is the news I live for
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies