me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.