So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
You Might Also Like
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes