Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
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Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.