Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?