My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball