fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
See..?
.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots